A Cawse for Cawmpetition
by Cybu
Summary: A simple tease from Robin brings out Chrom's competitive side. He believes that he can beat Henry with the dreaded art of puns. Although the two had no idea that the whole camp would join in... Although, Henry has never had a better time, Shepherds from the stoic Lon'qu and the sneaky Gaius duke it out for the title of champion!


**Hey guys! This is one of the things I mentioned on working on in _Barracks_ but I figured that it's going to be too long to be put in with that series. Enjoy me trying to make puns. Please help me. I am not talented with puns. And you'll probably see more of the ships you guys want in this one, though each pair will remain consistent throughout if I've already named any as explicitly together. These stories are a bit on the silly side, as you can see, but I hope you like them! Enjoy and Review! Thank you!**

_The Challenge_

"Make. Him. Stop." Chrom groaned loudly and pleaded with Robin as soon as he entered her tent.

"Make who stop what?" Robin asked as she turned on her stool to face her visitor.

"Henry." His tone was such that the name explained it all. When it came to Henry, it would. The man was an interesting sort of character. And he managed to stand out in this colorful bunch. The Shepherds were hailed as very strong, yet a very strange army.

"The puns or the morbidity?" These two words were apt enough to describe his personality. If you left it to Chrom. Robin would go on and on…Well _she_ had been the one to marry him, after all.

"For now, the first one is of more concern." He said this as though someone was gravely injured and all the clerics and Frederick were stuck on a mountain. With ten hordes of Risen blocking their path back. And endless piles of rubble past that.

"Well, what do you want me to do?" She put her strategies aside and pulled up another stool for Chrom to sit upon.

"He's _your_ husband," Chrom reasoned as he cautiously took a seat on the rickety piece of furniture.

"And that makes me responsible for the jokes he makes?" Robin raised an eyebrow at her friend. "Surely you wouldn't want your wife to censor the rare, yet unfunny, jokes you make."

Chrom bawked at that comment. "My jokes are funny!"

"To two people," Robin said flatly and raised two fingers. "Want me to name them?" She waggled her fingers in his face.

Chrom reddened. He huffed and pushed her hand aside.. "Shall I wager a guess?"

"Go for it commander," Robin grinned cheekily and rested her cheeks in her palms.

"Fre-"

"Nope," Robin cut him off and giggled. "Even _he_ grimaces when you're not looking."

"Does he now..." Chrom rubbed his neck in embarrassment.

"Lucina?"

"Yup," she affirmed. "And the other?"

Chrom pondered for a moment before sighing. "It's me, isn't it?"

"On the mark," Robin clapped her hands together in mock exaggeration.

"You may not think I'm funny, but I'm certainly not stupid." He glared at her and she smiled apologetically.

"Sorry. You know I love to tease you," she laughed happily and her smile melted his grumpy expression for a moment. But just that moment.

"Well, what's he got that I don't?" Chrom demanded. "Humor-wise, I mean," he amended as he realized what his former sentence implied. "You don't think he's funny do you?"

"If I didn't did you think I'd marry him?" She had her hands on her hips and gave him a withering look.

"So bad humor was the way to your heart was it?" Chrom said with a tone of childish bitterness. "I'm not funny? Well you know what, I'll show you. I'll—" he swallowed as though he had something painful lodged in his throat. "I can make puns too."

"Careful there," Robin teased. "Don't hurt yourself captain Chrom."

He growled. "Don't you make light of me."

"How can I not, with the ridiculous quest you've set on!"

"I'm proving a _point_. If I do this, you will have to shut your _sharp_ tongue. Hehehe" Chrom chuckled to himself at his feeble joke and Robin suppressed a groan.

"Whatever you say," Robin said as she turned back towards her materials. "Cawmander." She winced internally as she realized that it would have sounded better coming from her crow-loving husband. But she was sure that he would have been proud.

He flushed red but held his tongue as he reminded himself of his goal. "Alright. Well don't let me be…Robin you of your time now."

He and Robin stared at each other for several moments before he stood up abruptly, knocking the stool down by accident. "I apologize for my lack of tact, tactician." He grinned happily before blushing and righting the furniture and retreating out of the tent. "Carry on."

Robin groaned into her book. What had she done?

* * *

It seemed that word of this challenge spread like wildfire throughout the camp (the source of this information was rumored to have come from Lissa, who had been plotting to execute a prank).

What Robin and Chrom hadn't expected was for people to partake in this. There were no rules, nor aim sorted out. But people have quickly turned this into a competition for the punniest person within a fortnight's time. The prize being a pool of the best foods (with even a treat from Gaius's hoard) from the Shepherds.

"You're not going to get in on the bet?" Gaius managed to ask (as he had a large lollipop taking up quite a large portion of his mouth) the ever-stoic swordsman, who was polishing his weapon of choice.

He made an expression of distaste and prodded the ginger away. "Get that away from me. I don't want my sword to get sticky."

Gaius pouted and took it out of his mouth, drool dropping from the treat, and Lon'qu flinched away.

"I mean it," he waved the sword threateningly.

"Easy there, Lon'qu," Gaius said as he nimbly jumped back away from the blade. "Lon'qu…just be Lon…cool about it."

He narrowly missed being beheaded, although a part of the tie that was ever faithfully tied to his hair suffered some damage.

"Inane challenge," Lon'qu muttered angrily to himself as he furiously scrubbed the silver. "How Chrom ever started this, I do not know. Robin, I understand, as she's the one who likes these frivolous things…"

"You called?" Robin stood behind him with her arms crossed.

"Erm, Robin," he coughed self-consciously and nicked his palm in surprise. "Agh!"

He brought his hand up to his mouth and sucked on the wound, only to be hit on the head by the tactician.

"Don't do that you dolt!" she scolded him and took out a roll of gauze from her pocket. She was met with a questioning gaze.

"My son enjoys banging his head against various objects," she said flatly. She waved her hand casually. "He thinks it'll get his memory back. Anyways, give me a hand. Get it?" She stifled a chuckle as his expression.

Lon'qu hit his forehead with his palm. Unfortunately this was the injured palm and he hissed in pain.

"Sorry, sorry," Robin giggled. "But seriously." She stretched out her hand expectantly and took a hold of his.

"I thought I had you cured."

"Of you, perhaps," he sighed as he relaxed his hand into hers.

"And your wife," Robin added, and pressed the roll into his hand as she pulled out some tonic and some cotton.

"That's a given, I should hope. Do you always carry that around?" he asked.

"It comes in handy. Especially when doing weapon inventory," she laughed sheepishly.

"You should be a bit careful," he said with a slight smirk on his face.

"Coming from the man who's bleeding right now?" She pressed the tonic upon his wound a bit roughly and elicited a hiss from him.

"Hmph." He said nothing and then asked a question that had been plaguing his mind.

"How did this happen? What drove Chrom to be the cause of this…catastrophe?"

"Catastrophe? That's putting it a _bit_ too dramatically. Well, I suppose cause I said that he's not funny."

"That's it?" Lon'qu scoffed and withdrew his hand after she bandaged it. "What's so important about being…amusing?"

"A good sense of humor is healthy. It's not good to be so serious all the time." She gave him a pointed look.

"…I feel that directed towards me." The intensity of her stare was too much to ignore.

"It is," she said brightly and he growled. Damn him for giving in. "Maybe you're just incapable of having a sense of humor that doesn't involve defeating people."

"…Is this what you used on Chrom?" Well now he was starting to see the root of this evil. _Her_. She truly was a con artist of the highest order. He had expected her to marry that thief, Gaius, rather than the cheerfully morbid dark wizard.

"Not at all," she said innocently, although she was giving him a look. _That_ look.

"Fine. Fine, I—I'll show you. This sort of cheap humor is easy to accomplish, after all." It would be nothing. He was great with battles already. He had the scars to prove it. A war of words would prove to be easy.

"Cheap," Henry said. "Why, I don't think you could afford _my _jokes. _Anna_ wouldn't give you a discount. Neither would she for that matter."

Lon'qu closed his eyes and let out a long sigh. "I feel like I am missing something."

"Anna—contraction of and and I," Robin whispered to him.

"Ah." He was hopeless. Who found this kind of trite thing to be humorous? He'll have to try hard. "Well," he started in an octave he usually had reserved for women. "You've made your…point," he pointed his sword at Henry and Robin sighed.

"Chrom already made that one," she said as she took Henry's hand and walked away with him.

It seems that him and the Commander had more in common than he'd thought.

* * *

Henry was very proud of his wife. He was free to make his jokes without any annoyed looks from anyone.

Well, except for Aversa.

"_I am _Aversa_ to the way you trea-kchkk." Claws wrapped around his neck and were digging into his skin menacingly._

"_I am sick of this. It is all your fault."_

"_Let him go!"_

"_Fine, Robin."_

He liked blood, but he wasn't too fond of pain. Or his own pain to be precise. He shuddered at the memory.

And apparently he wasn't allowed to take part of the challenge. Which was a pity, but he decided to make merry as usual.

But other than that little hitch, and as long as he was far away from the evil woman, It was bliss.

* * *

Food. _Food._ So much delicious food to try, to _eat_.

Stahl was salivating for the fifth time that afternoon, only to earn a whack over the head from his wife.

"Sully," he whined. "I'm getting a bump on my head. I won't be able to use it anymore."

"Not like you use it much anyway. Well stop yer drooling like a dog. It's disgusting."

"I guess," he admitted. "But I can't help it. Just thinking of getting the hoard…mmm..OW!" He rubbed the tenderness developing on his scalp. He was considering in wearing a helmet from now on. It would prove to be good investment with Sully as his wife.

"What makes you think that _you're _the one that's going to win it all?"

"Don't tell me you're going to get it?"

"'Course I am. I win _everything_. Not gonna Sully my reputation." She winced a bit but her determined expression did not waver.

"Well I'm not going to wait around and Stahl my chance at victory."

Stahl had a fierce look on his face that his wife had never seen before. Perhaps she had competition after all. Oh how he loved his food.

"Fine."

"Fine with me."

"Nowi I'm going to lose this!" the little manakete puffed out her cheeks with firm resolve and had fire burning in her eyes.

"The Vaike is the one that's going to achieve victory," said Vaike very smugly.

"Hmm," she tapped her finger on her face. "Are you sure you're smart enough for _Vaike_tory? Seeing that you just missed a valuable opportunity? I Nowi that you're going to lose."

She then skipped away happily leaving "The Vaike" very upset.

* * *

"Shut up! EVERYONE _SHUT_ _UP_!" Nah had it. She was up to _here _with everyone using her name as though it were a ticket to winning.

"Nah please don't be that way," Inigo said soothingly with a smirk on his face that she didn't care.

She held her breath and slowly turned to look towards him.

"Were you addressing me or were you?"

"Could it…be bo-AGH? WHAT IN BLAZES!"

She had turned into her Manakete form.

Inigo didn't need to think twice. He shouted his choice of profanity while making a break for it. He had no intention of becoming toast. Or Manakete food.

"INI_NO YOU DON'T_!"

He groaned loudly at that. His name was as much of a target as hers, if a bit less.

"I HAVE IT AS BAD AS YO-AGH!"

She blew a fireball in his direction and he missed it narrowly. He was thankful that he had gotten a bit braver; otherwise he would definitely have soiled his trousers.

"DON'T INIGO AWAY!"

"NAH WAY! AGH! MY LIFE IS FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES! I INIWON'T STAY HERE TO DIE! NAHT ME!"

He dodged another fireball as he barely made it into camp in one piece.

Well, almost. It seemed that his hair caught on fire.

* * *

Gaius was in it to win it. He wasn't just going to let his precious treat get away from him that easily. He had only given something from his stash because Lissa had been hounding on him. So of course he had to win it back.

"You look very serious dear Father," Owain came bounding up with a spring in his step.

"What's got you so happy?" Gaius asked..

"Nowain I'm going to lose this," he said with confidence. "I've been made fun of due to my flowery and heroic language many a time, but I know that I have the advantage. Owain loses to no knave!"

"Are you saying your father is a knave?" Gaius threateningly leaned

"Owain loses to no one," the boy amended quietly.

"Good boy," Gaius ruffled his hair. "Now, be a good boy and Plissa let me rest for a bit."

"Gaius, Ga—I—hate you," Lissa pouted and dropped a frog on his head.


End file.
